天煞孤星
我被金花咬了。
事情是这样的,我正趴在电脑边干活,老婆抓着金花来到我身边,说:你看她多可爱!虽然我日理万机,但是到了这个时候也必须得停下手里的活,万分幸福地接过金花,和老婆说说话,对我们来说,金花就像我们的孩子,虽然毛多了些个头小了些,但是并不妨碍她在我们心目中的分量。我尝试着好像抱纸尿裤婴儿一样抱着金花,手指捏着她上肢腋下,她肥胖的小身子笨拙地挣扎着,样子显得更加可爱了,我和老婆哈哈大笑,一个没留神,金花生气了,突然对着我的大拇指背狠狠地咬了下去,我惨叫一声——晕倒过去,当我醒来的时候,发现老婆在我身边温柔而又疲倦地看着我,嘴唇肿肿的,“啊,发生什么事了?”我问老婆,老婆说我中毒晕了过去,“啊,那你的嘴?”我问,老婆说她帮我把伤口里的毒血吸了出来,救了我一命,我一听感动万分,但转而一想现在我老婆也中毒了呀,怎么办?老婆说,有情况问百度,我一想是啊,于是在百度上一搜,老婆问百度怎么说,我告诉老婆,遇到这样的事,必须要INTO一下才能解毒,老婆羞红了脸,说,那,那也只好这样了,于是我——以上是胡思乱想的分界线,事实情况是,我惨叫了一声,老婆急忙把金花从我手里抓走,打了好几十下屁股,声明以后再也不喜欢她了,我见老婆爱我多过爱金花,内心十分欣慰,于是一瘸一拐去处理伤口,挤出了血,用酒精消了毒,拇指稍许有些肿,犹豫着要不要去医院打针——十几个小时后,电脑屏幕上蹦出一条新闻,说哪里哪里查出20多万份有问题的狂犬病疫苗。横竖都是死,我想,还是不要去花费这冤枉钱的好,再说,金花这小身子,挨上一针,她会痛的嚎啕吧!
反过来想,如果染上病毒的人是我,听说潜伏期有十年之久,如果我只能活五年的话,那么说不定反而还赚了。接着我告诉槑槑,我现在已经成为世界上最厉害的杀人武器,没事的时候可以将我抓在手里挥舞横冲直撞,人挡咬人,佛挡咬佛,还带病毒的,谁惹我谁倒霉,堪比天煞孤星。并且一想到我最多只能再活十年,顿时雄心勃勃起来,要不要隐瞒真相去银行贷个款什么的呢,50年还清的那种. 再看金花,好像知道自己做错事似的,羞答答地,举止不像之前那么90后了,我用传声大法告诉她——安啦,幸亏是你咬我,如果换作臼吉,你娘可能就要上淘宝买耗子药了。
在老婆面前,我尽量表现着自己的大度,让她别再责怪金花,可是到了晚上,我实在忍不住了,告诉她,自从被金花咬了以后,我觉得周围特别的吵吵,尤其是隔壁女生吃薯片的时候,声音特别夸张,她怎么那么馋呀?还有对面楼上那个练钢琴的家伙,弹琴就弹琴,非拼命晃椅子,吵死啦!
为了安慰我,老婆请我吃她的抹茶小饼干,也不知道是在哪儿买的,瓶盖那么点大的一块饼干,那么重,非得两只手捧着吃不可唉,鼻子还老痒痒. if (document. 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