我的女儿鲁智深

Feb 18th, 2005

以前我以为,无论多淘气的小孩子,只要一睡着,也都得安静下来。可是我错了,我的女儿就不同,我的女儿只要一睡着,她就变成了鲁智深。
当然,我女儿在醒着的时候还不是鲁智深。而是黄承彦。
在她刚刚醒来睁开眼睛的时候,她就开始卜卜叫,这个时候你就应该过来向她请安兼SAY HELLO。如果你够胆不理会她,卜卜叫就变成啊啊叫。如果啊啊叫的时候你还不理会她,啊啊叫就变成嗷嗷叫,如果嗷嗷叫了你都不理会,你就完了,她会嚎上一整天,嚎的连屋后诊所的老医生都要主动将脸贴在后窗玻璃上请求:带她来把脉,带她来把脉!
我一般够聪明,总能掐准时机在她啊啊叫的时候抱起她。因为卜卜叫的时候理会她会宠坏她,嗷嗷叫的时候理会她会令她对我的爱产生怀疑。当然如果饿肚子的话,我女儿自会发出凄厉的吼声,不消老子费神揣测。假如肚子不饿,我女儿就要玩“骑驴过小桥”。
“骑驴过小桥”的玩法是这样的,道士柳2和无畏青年都要好好学学:我抓住女儿的手,让她跨坐在我的腿上,为了制造驴行走时的颠簸效果,我的腿就得不住地抖,时而一上一下,时而一左一右,频率大概在每分钟60下到70下。不能太快,太快我女儿会”晕驴”,也不能太慢,太慢我女儿会心急,一心急我女儿就会哇哇叫,翻译过来的意思就是“驾!驾!”
假如不快不慢,颠簸的幅度也适中,我女儿就会显出一副很爽的样子,神情悠闲,举止也幽雅,甚至还会拿着迷离的眼睛看着我,撅着嘴巴“哟,哟”地挑逗我,翻译过来的意思就是:“美女,你好瘦噎~”
一般来说,我女儿每次骑驴,不会超过一个小时,迷离的眼神就会逐渐变得朦胧,脑袋歪至一边,且对驴的速度不再做任何要求,身体前倾,直到完全趴在驴背上,打起呼呼。
每到这时,我就会小心翼翼地将她塞进睡袋,然后躺在一边——驴也要休息的啵。
驴休息后,我女儿迅速地由黄承彦变成为鲁智深。其步骤是这样的:
首先是“拳打镇关西”。镇关西何许人也?老娘我呗。女儿呼呼后不久,我也开始呼呼。我呼呼后不久,我女儿开始手舞之,足蹈之,一不留神老子脸上就中了一记嫩拳,号啕着醒来,还不等老子还手,胸口又被踹上一嫩脚,顷刻间被收拾得眼棱缝裂,乌珠迸出,淅沥哗啦,一朵梨花。奄奄一息之际,就见我女儿,在枕头上蹭脱了帽子,露出光秃秃的脑袋,眼角高高吊起,双手攥紧,一波波地朝下巴处吐口水,虽不出声也够震,虽不怒也够威,兀的不是一个花和尚鲁智智深?
然后就会“醉打山门”。山门嘛玩意?睡袋呗?虽然用拉链拉的紧紧,可是也当不得我们家鲁智深提脚一踹的,也不要禅杖,也不要戒刀,就听到吱啦一声,拉链开了,一寸半金莲打里面伸出来,连袜子都踢脱了,光溜溜地在半空中蹬来蹬去,看到这番情形,小霸王如何忍住不入销金帐?
接下来,鲁智深就要大闹桃花村了。桃花村在哪儿?床上呗。说时迟,那时快,我女儿先是使出迷踪腿,将床单踢的一团糟;接着借“口水”撒泼,嘴巴所至之处,一片滂沱;最后就是放火,不,我女儿并非等闲之辈,放的乃是金品米田共!虽然有纸尿裤兜着,但也抗不住鲁智深脖子扭扭屁股扭扭,抖抖手呀抖抖脚呀,直弄到“星星之矢,可以燎原”。。。。
不好意思,就说到这里了,鲁智深醒了,且发出卜卜叫的声音,眼瞅着就要啊啊叫了,老娘扮驴弄女去也~顺便携女儿祝大家新年快乐,身体健康,万事如意,在鸡年人见人爱,车见车载,啤酒见了也会自动打开瓶盖。。。。
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