秦琼卖马一

Mar 7th, 2008

话说好汉英雄秦琼秦叔宝,祖籍山东,黑社会出身,混到后来终于修成正果,爬到几乎和WJB差不多的地位。道上人提到他都很尊敬地称他为秦二爷,也有简称二爷的,是个名人,可是当初也有落难的时候,没钱没地位,没房没老婆,没工作没前途,不过有两样东西不愁不缺,和我差不多——年纪一大把,以及债主一大堆。
落魄的人都喜欢YY,有点愤世嫉俗,常常自己当作真理发射机,没事就喷一喷:不要看老子现在虎落平阳了,可是有一点你们要记住:凡是不被我喜欢的,都他妈的要遭殃——不被我喜欢的朝代被颠覆了,不被我喜欢的公司被吞并了,不被我喜欢的人完蛋了,我最最不喜欢的就是银子——现在也被老子统统花光了!所以,被遗忘和唾弃不是我的错,是你们的错,你们以后统统要后悔,后悔到死的!!
为了解放全人类,二爷打定主意再落魄也要坚强地活下去。他盘点自己的财产,剩下唯一可以表明自己曾经贵族、一度上流的证物就是他的爱马史努比了,但是他也养不活它了,一天要吃二十六餐,石油柴油麻油汽油花生油没一样不在涨的,加油站外常常排了长长的队伍堵着道路,加油小妹还说缺油缺油,可是中石化的股票却狂泻不止,这里面难道有什么猫腻?二爷想,幸亏老子的史努比不喝油。
为了让史努比能有一个美好的未来,二爷决定给它找个新主人,他先找来一张硬纸板,上面挂个绳套,没想到史努比一见就扑过来抢,拿嘴巴叼住着纸板不放,二爷一瞧眼泪哗哗的,这马通人性啊,知道我打算卖它,难过啊!
史努比眼泪也哗哗的,想说句人话但是又不会:二爷,这硬纸板好吃吗?就让我尝一口吧!
可怜啊,连人带马,饿了多少天了?
二爷牵着史努比来到路边,千叮咛万嘱咐:不许啃纸牌,听见没有?要乖!
二爷小心翼翼地将纸牌挂在史努比的脖子上,纸牌上写着:“珍贵坐骑,人见人爱,老板落魄,挥泪甩卖。”
一面挂纸牌,一面二爷还在路边拣了一个一次性纸杯,套在史努比嘴巴上,防止它再啃纸牌。
就这样二爷顶着烈日站在路边等着人来买马,还没等到一个问价的人呢,就看见迎面气势汹汹来了两勇卒——穿着马甲,胸前绣一个大红的“勇”字,后背绣一个大红的“卒”字,过来当胸抓住二爷,啪啪就是两大耳光。
吼:你丫找死!敢在公共场所贩卖牲口!你他妈的认识字吗?受过教育吗?有素质吗?拜读过红头文件吗?懂法律吗?
二爷傻了眼了,太多雷灌耳他有点顺不过来气:爷,有话好好说不行吗?
另外嘴巴也张得太大凑太近,不仅望见扁桃腺,连午饭喝了香格里拉干红都嗅出来了。
谁知道更大的吼声扑过来:别爷不爷的,爷你老母,我们是执法人员!执法人员也是人!也有脾气!妈的老子们一天要遇到多少违反公共秩序的混球啊!要和多少像你这样违法乱纪的坏分子作斗争啊!好好说话——靠,你以为我们不想好好说话哪!老子把和你好好说话的时间省下来维护世界和平那才更有价值,你懂个鸟屎蛋蛋!少废话,牵马!走人!!
二爷吓得魂飞魄散,抱着史努比撕心裂肺地哭喊,二爷后来搬着指头细数,发觉那是他一生中一连串说出最多祈使句的时候。你买过《知音》杂志没有?看过《恋爱婚姻家庭》没有,你要是看过一准知道什么叫祈使句,封面上全是——亲爱的老公,请你还是像从前那样爱我吧!妈妈,听听您女儿的泣血呼唤吧!等等等等. 这段书说到这里,您也许会问:秦二爷终于用他的泣血呼唤打动勇卒了吗?史努比后来的命运如何?总之一大波三折三折一大波,欲知后事如何,且听下回分解吧!!
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